La Pièce de Résistance (enlabelleaurore) wrote,
La Pièce de Résistance

I guess I need this space again

My husband left today. For a business trip. For at least a month. He did so once before. I cried every single day that time. I've cried, really cried, deep wracking sobs that made my diaphragm ache and my eyes swell up, at least four times today. I'm not so good at alone.

More than the fact that the quiet gets to me, is the fact that I love him...and when I love someone I want to surround myself in them. He's not there when I'm trying to sleep, and that makes all the difference in the world. A month without sex, I can handle. A month without sleeping more than two hours at a time will be far more difficult. I wake up with horrid nightmares, super real, so the fear and nausea won't let go, even though when I force myself to be truly awake and try and articulate myself to my real surroundings.

This afternoon, after I got back from taking him to the airport, and from running the errands he asked me to run when I got home, I sat on the couch and cried myself to sleep. I slept for nearly two hours, and had a dream that this whole thing was over, and we were laying in bed and he was holding me and stroking my face and he was so overwhelmingly *there* that I was able to just drift off. I felt safe. I woke up and realized it was all a dream, and cried some more. The dream didn't make me sad though. Fear that I wouldn't be able to have it again, since it's something I want so much, was what made me cry that time.

I've decided that while he's away, I'll exercise. Not for health, or well-being, as it would seem, but maybe to exhaust myself. The month will go so much more quickly if I can sleep through it. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to find that dream again.

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