More than the fact that the quiet gets to me, is the fact that I love him...and when I love someone I want to surround myself in them. He's not there when I'm trying to sleep, and that makes all the difference in the world. A month without sex, I can handle. A month without sleeping more than two hours at a time will be far more difficult. I wake up with horrid nightmares, super real, so the fear and nausea won't let go, even though when I force myself to be truly awake and try and articulate myself to my real surroundings.
This afternoon, after I got back from taking him to the airport, and from running the errands he asked me to run when I got home, I sat on the couch and cried myself to sleep. I slept for nearly two hours, and had a dream that this whole thing was over, and we were laying in bed and he was holding me and stroking my face and he was so overwhelmingly *there* that I was able to just drift off. I felt safe. I woke up and realized it was all a dream, and cried some more. The dream didn't make me sad though. Fear that I wouldn't be able to have it again, since it's something I want so much, was what made me cry that time.
I've decided that while he's away, I'll exercise. Not for health, or well-being, as it would seem, but maybe to exhaust myself. The month will go so much more quickly if I can sleep through it. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to find that dream again.