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I got to drinking last night, and had to force myself to come home. The dog needed walking, after all. I'm not sick or anything, I didn't make myself that drunk. But I don't like it. I don't like how it made it much easier to cry. I don't like how it makes the morning stretch out in front of me like some sort of endless limbo. I don't like how it made it harder to do yoga. I don't think I'll be doing it much any more.

I love my life. My husband and our little family of dog and cat are so wonderful. This crushing loneliness is something I'm going to have to overcome. I just don't know how. Being out with others just makes me feel worse, since I rarely do things socially that don't involve him, and that just reminds me that he's not there.

I don't think there's any way to help this, and I don't know if I'd want to help it if there was a way.

I just want my dream of the first night back. So that I can believe that he's not gone, even if it's only for a moment.

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